I could have edited that header photo to show more of the Lion’s face, but I wanted you to really see its damn teeth.
Why? Because it’s gonna set the tone for what you’re dealing with here. As if you didn’t already know.
Ok, so for most ladies, it comes around every month. And when I say “comes around” I mean it violently swoops in just like a tsunami of angry wild banshee lion-hawks.
Over the years I’ve figured out that, rather than try and go rounds every couple weeks with those lion-hawk beasts (and lose), it’s better to avoid the whole thing altogether (and survive).
Plus, you know, it’s just all-around better for my family if I don’t have Freddy Krueger face from where she ripped my regular face off.
And, to be honest, she really does look like she’s going through 37 different kinds of hell when the Demon Wave hits. Because of that, it makes you a good dude to do your best to get away.
And when I say “get away” I mean “Get Awaaaaaaay” like Michael Jackson says to the girl at the beginning of Thriller.
The Man’s Ultimate PMS Survival Guide
Anywho – Below are my tactics to surviving “Pre-That Time of the Month.” The crucial window of life or death.
Tip #1 Learn to identify her personal Pre-PMS Zone
That’s right. Remember, PMS stands for Pre-Menstrual. So, I’m talking PRE-Pre here.
I have collected data, studied that data, and now know the time before the time the PMS starts. The PRE-pre Zone. When I realize it, I make a mental note and get a jump start on #3 below.
I used to call her out on it (more about that below) as I got really good and a little cocky about it. In fact, one month she doubled up and had two Demon Waves. I mentioned it was coming…She thought that there was no way in hell this could be happening.
But, I could tell. And it did.
Here’s what you do to find the Pre-Pre Zone: Simply compare the amount and voracity of your normal ass-rippings with the ones you are experiencing in the Pre-PMS Zone. If they are multiplied by 10 and consistent in volume – she’s about to go into full fledged delusion that comes with a visit from Aunt Flowy Vorhees.
Again, it is important not to boast about this. Just note the change, get the tips below in order and hold on, man. White knuckles all the way through.
Pro Tip: Combine this knowledge with her favorite PMS comfort items and at about 2 days out, put together a PMS Care Package and set that shit out like a peace offering bear trap thing.
Don’t call it a “bear trap thing” though.
Tip #2 Shut the hell up
I worked in Clinical Psychology for 6 years. In that setting, the #1 tactic to keep you from getting attacked by a patient was to NOT argue with them during periods of delusion.
Or anytime, really.
But, especially when they say they are Jesus Christ. Do not argue with them and tell them they are not. Just say “Nice to meet you, Jesus. I’m doing room checks and I need to get your vitals.”
Same goes with your lady-dragon-beast. During PMS she’s like a wild son of a bitch vampire thing. Just get the f*ck away and be quiet.
NOTE: This especially means that you do not call her out on her PMS.
One time my buddy Brad dumped like 5 gallons of gas on a giant stack of dried trees. He lit that damn thing before we were ready and I swear to god I thought I lost my entire face. I even ran away screaming “My FAAAAACE!”
I tell you that because calling your lady out on her PMS will give you the EXACT SAME EXPERIENCE.
Face (and maybe ass) – gone.
Tip #3 Clean, and I mean I clean the gosh darn poop out of your house.
Dude, look…we have no idea what clean is.
Well, some of you might. But, I think back to any time recently that I’ve cleaned the house and you know what happens?
She cleans it again.
Then I get pissed. Stomp around. Calm down and look closer and, holy farts, ok, she actually cleaned everything.
What I did was basically just take out the trash and like, look around.
Oh, and maybe I kicked a bunch of shit under the bed.
So, here’s the deal: Whatever you think looks clean, go another 30 minutes. Then do a once over, wait an hour, and clean things that you didn’t even know existed on planet earth let alone was in the house.
This includes, but is not limited to:
- Baseboards
- Ceiling Fans
- Air returns
- Blinds
- The area around and behind the toilet
- The microwave
- The fabric softener holder in the washing machine
- The bath tub
- Your ears (not part of the house, just probably needs to happen)
- The top of the fridge
Go ahead and use that as your catch-all list. I promise, those will give you a decent start.
For a more in-depth help, read my 21 Things You Can Clean To Blow Your Wife’s Mind and maybe grab the downloadable PDF checklist.
Tip #4 Get your man-cave in order and bunker down
Women make fun of us for the man-cave. What they don’t realize is when utilized correctly, the man-cave keeps us out of their faces, gives us a place to waller in filth, drink, fart, and potentially keeps the rest of the house from enduring that kind of madness.
For the record, I don’t really have a proper man-cave. I have my office, the gym, the garage, and work. But, it sort of fills the void and keeps me out of her hair.
Whatever you have, get it in order and get ready to bunker down. Get your supplies gathered up and be ready to retreat if she emerges from her anxiety-cave to hunt for chocolate.
The caveat here is that you need to also be ready in case she needs something.
She’ll most likely want chocolate or a heating pad. Or for you to change the channel to Lifetime.
Men’s PMS Survival Equipment List
Ok, you’ve got the basic PMS survival tips in hand. The next thing you are going to want to do is PRACTICE and be mindful of them. Remember, start tuning yourself in NOW. Before you know it, her Pre-Pre Zone will be upon you.
The next-next thing you can do is get your man-cave equipped with some supplies. Things that will help her and you at the same time. Check ’em out. Click through to grab them from Amazon.
Midol Complete 40-Count Box
These lil’ puppies will serve a dual purpose. The main purpose will be as a backup supply for her main supply of Midol. Their secondary purpose, and here’s where I need you to keep an open mind, is for yourself.
Midol’s all-in-one pain killing/caffienation/diuretic qualities will keep you pain-free from the headache inducing ass rippings, the caffeine will keep you running on high-alert, and the diuretic…well, I don’t know…just trust me.
Dark Chocolate
Again, backup supplies. Having a stock of backup supplies will ensure your survival by giving you the necessary means to respond to crisis in an instantaneous fashion.
Whether she admits it or not, she’ll be craving it. Get some of this fancy stuff here and blow her face off with surprise.
Backup Heating Pad
More backups. You never know when one pad will go out, or one pad just isn’t doing the job. Again, the idea here is to be ready for anything.
Doing so will keep her in as comfortable state as possible and will help ensure your survival during a full blow menstrual-fire-storm attack.
The link to the one above has almost a 5-star review rating after 2,000+ reviews…so, it’s pretty much baller status of heating pads. Get one for her.
Get the backup heating pad here
Headphones
A pair of secret headphones will help you keep your mouth shut by blocking off external war noise and giving you the perception that everything outside of your man-cave door is peachy keen.
You don’t have to spend a lot either (in fact you shouldn’t). A basic set like this will do.
Remember, part of any survival plan is keeping enough resources to prolong life and make her feel supported. One of those resources is cash money, and a basic way to make her feel supported is to put her needs before yours.
So, think twice before you bomb your checking account with ear candy. Just grab a simple pair for now.
Rations and Snacks
Food. You’ll need food. These snack packs make a great item to stow away in your cave and keep on hand for long stretches of seclusion.
This jerky
Camo Beer Belt
You know what this is for. You’re gonna need some suds…and you’re gonna need to keep ’em handy.
Remember though, just enough to take the edge off. You still need to be aware of your surroundings enough to react when crisis occurs.
Men’s PMS Survival Guide Recap
PMS is real. It pisses women off when we say it like that, but that’s mainly because they already know this and hate to be reminded of it.
I’m reminding you, because if you hadn’t noticed or experienced it yet, you need to know.
Also, I’m being super tongue and cheek here, but in all reality she isn’t having a very good time during that time of the month. Mostly why you’ll notice that a lot of the “survival tips” are about taking care of her, sucking up your pride, and just getting through it together.
Trust me. We can joke about this as guys all we want, but if you genuinely take care of her, she’ll never forget it.
A Word on Endometriosis
On a more serious note, I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention endometriosis. My wife battled torterous bouts of PMS and periods for years and years and we always just thought that it was supposed to be that way.
It’s not.
If you’re wife or girlfriend is experiencing terribly painful periods, please, take her to her OB/GYN and do some research on endometriosis.
In fact, feel free to drop me a line at Braave.org. We can help.
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Got any tips to share? Leave a comment.